Parenting tip #3

I have learned from experience, that kids need/want boundaries. Why do I say that? Because I have observed numerous small children with their parents out in public. I have noticed kids that understood that there were boundaries/rules of conduct when out in public and I have noticed kids that didn't understand, or maybe had not been taught when little, that there are rules of conduct based on the current circumstances.

Those children that had been taught, from a very young age, about boundaries were always well behaved out in public. They knew that if they "acted up" in public, they were going to answer to Mom or Dad and the outcome was NOT going to be one that they would be happy with. These children had been taught, when little, that some things/actions were pleasing to their parents and which things/actions resulted in some form of punishment.

How do you teach kids at home about boundaries? Start with very small, from your perspective, rules. For example, you might have a rule about snacking before meals. The negative consequence of eating within an hour of when dinner, or whatever meal we are talking about, will be served is that the children won't eat dinner. You or your wife probably just spent at least an hour fixing something that would be good to eat and bring the family together. If the child has broken the rule, they must face the consequences. In the example above, if my kids snacked before dinner, they knew that they would still be expected to eat dinner. If they didn't, they sat at the table until they did. Or, Dad would feed them. After they got to be about 9-10, they really didn't like having Dad feed them dinner. Because Dad would make it seem like they were still 1-2 years old when he fed them.

Some examples of rules to teach kids include: bedtime, meals, TV watching, reading, playing, computer, etc. The key to getting the rule to be obeyed is the "consequence fits the crime". Keep in mind, there are good consequences and bad consequences. Reward good behavior with something the child likes doing. When the behavior is bad, there needs to be some form of punishment. If you were to ask my kids what form of punishment was administered by Dad, they would tell you that he was a firm believer in "corporal punishment". Keep in mind, the punishment would be administered as soon as the offense was commited. The kids need to understand what they are being punished about and if the punishment can be administered as close as possible to the time the offense was commited, they will remember in vivid detail why they are in trouble.

A few years ago, my son was caught red-handed teasing his younger sister. He was about 10 and she was about 8. I was walking down the hall of our house, from our bedroom, and saw my daughter come out of the TV room. My son was right behind her and didn't see me coming down the hall. I observed him kick his younger sister. I was on him in about 3 steps. I picked him up and he started screaming bloody murder, thinking that Mom would rescue him. My wife was in the kitchen and came around the corner and saw me holding my son in the air. Keep in mind, I was not mad when I picked him up. My wife did not see what had happened and was not in a position to levy a punishment. I did see what happened and was able to administer a suitable punishment. I took him back into the TV room and got down on his level. I asked him why he had kicked his sister. I got the typical "I don't know" answer. I told him that if I ever caught him disrespecting any of his sisters again, he would not be able to sit down for at least 3 days. I did not spank him or hit him or anything else. He knew that I meant it and I never had any of those types of problems again. The "disrespecting his sisters" rule was cemented in his mind from that point on.

When he respected his sisters, he got rewarded with something that he liked to do. He was a very fast learner and found that he liked the rewards much better than the punishments. Especially when he got into high school. We never gave the kids a curfew. They would come home somewhere around 11-12 at night, because their friends had curfews and had to be home by a certain time.

The key to rules/boundaries is that the parents need to be the parents. They are NOT their kid's friend. They are the parent and sometimes they are going to be the bad guy when it comes to their kids. It's OKAY to be the bad guy Mom or Dad. If the punishment/consequence is administered with LOVE, the kids will eventually understand that you do love them. If the punishment/consequence is administered in anger, the kids will grow to hate, or dislike, their parents.

I also feel very strongly that when kids know they have rules/boundaries, they are happier and more well behaved. Start when they are babies. Yes, you heard that right, start when they are babies. The sooner you start being the "Parent", the sooner you will find out that you have become your kid's hero.